Tired of living and scared of dying.

Nothing about death scares me anymore. Not the idea of someone killing me. Not a single horror movie filled with gore. We are all gonna die one day. Be it by our own hands, the hands of others or old age. Should I be concerned or content?

Today I made a pinky promise to two of my best friends not to steal ever again. I am already struggling with the concept but I cannot break a pinky promise or else they can break a pinky each… legit.

I then went to tafe on my merry way, I was highly anxious and stressed by the time I got there and was even more stressed half way through for class and assignment based reasons. 

Somehow I settled down and relaxed enough to enjoy myself in the moment. I began getting louder and louder as I do when I’m in a pleasant mood which was great. 

Then after class I ran to catch the train and missed it by like a minute. Which wasn’t too bad because I had a class mate to talk to there and managed to obtain a cigarette from a lady. So that was good.

When all of a sudden as soon as I get to southbank busway I begin to have strange thoughts, I was angry and annoyed all of a sudden. Due to the fact a person I know was across the busway. 

I then finally after 30 mins of waiting I got my bus and was feeling a bit better but still angry when all of a sudden I started to cry and carry on thinking negatively. 

Then out of no where a sense of calmness overcame me which I tried embracing but couldn’t fully because my mind was racing too much about what negative things it was thinking before. 

After the racing began I started to cry even more this was on the walk home and then halfway up almost broke down completely, I then calmed down quite quickly again but this time it felt like a calm before the storm. 

I then started of thinking of my own suicide, felt unable to touch my own body, and was walking unusually slow for me as I am a fast walker. 

Of all those thoughts and emotions it left me in a very hazy and confused state of mind… Am I content, am I depressed, am I happy, am I suicidal, what’s going on?

And now as I type this almost falling asleep I can’t help but think… what if I took all my meds? Would the pain end? No. I know I have too much to live for but some days I want to purge, some days I want to cut, some days I want to curl up in bed and cry… But I can’t I must be stronger than this. 

http://www.newharbinger.com/psychsolve/borderline-personality-disorder

This article explains Borderline Personality Disorder beautifully.

It makes sense to myself as a sufferer of the disease in so many ways. 

I now understand the frequent mood changes better, why I used to self harm (and still want to), I also understand why it has recently lead me to purge (I think that’s because it’s easier and less obvious than cutting) and highlights the fact that it’s in our nature to be impulsive…

The sentence below may help non sufferers understand it a little more for the person.

However, people with borderline personality disorder also tend to lash out at themselves when they’re feeling angry and overwhelmed. Some people engage in activities such as cutting on their arms and legs and other forms of self-mutilation. Others might use drugs and alcohol excessively, engage in unsafe sexual encounters, go on shopping sprees they can’t afford, gamble excessively, or engage in unhealthy eating habits like bingeing and purging. In more hopeless situations, the person might attempt suicide or think about suicide in a detailed way.

I understand a little more now.

I long for one more cut, I promise I’ll make this my last.

I long to lose some extra kilos, I’ll make sure I fast.

I long to harm myself, but I’ve made the promise to keep strong.

I ache for another bottle of rum but It’s effecting me and my tum.

I’d take some weed if I knew that it wouldn’t effect me.

To live free and die young what a wonderful life we could lead.

Why do I find myself in this place of darkness when all the light in the world is surrounding me? Why is death always on my mind when clearly I am living a life? Why am I holding back on my potential? What is causing me to be and act this way? I’m gonna reach into the light, grab it by the hand and never let go. I’m gonna attempt to live a little happier and care free. I’m gonna work hard and go places in my life. I’m gonna change my ways. Things will only start looking better once I’ve done those things.