Living is agonizing, but, thinking about my mum wondering where I was, finding my body, and feeling desperately saddened over my dead body is heart breaking.
The thought of leaving my best and closest friends behind me kills me, I don’t want anyone else sad because of me.
If only people would be happy/happier with my lack of presence. It’d make my choice of not wanting to live a reality.
That and I have a mouse and a cat to live for. Which adds pressure and responsibiltiy that I can’t handle sometimes.
I’m working on not being sad but I do have to work through 19 years of sadness and shit.
I’ve lost my childhood to epilepsy and bullying. I’ve lost my teenage years messed up with so many addictions, binging, purging, cutting, drinking, and just simply being depressed.
I do NOT wanna screw up my adult years, hence the fear of turning 20. Let’s hope I make it